


Chair

by campylobacter



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Chair Sex, Epic Fail, F/M, Humor, M/M, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 09:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4132932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/campylobacter/pseuds/campylobacter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PROMPTS: First time. Prostate "discovery". No anal sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chair

**Author's Note:**

> As I was cleaning up my in-progress folder yesterday, I discovered a failed attempt in 2010 to make the request for a Daniel/Vala "prostate discovery" story fit with "no anal sex"...
> 
> I'm truly sorry for this. Maybe I should've deleted it.

"Clearly we're not dealing with Ancient technology or this chair would've activated the moment I sat on it."

Vala, sitting nearby in one of the other one-hundred and fourteen chairs, looked doubtfully at Rodney. "You claim to be a descendant of the Gatebuilders?"

Rodney rose impatiently from the metal and glass seat. "I've been given the ATA marker through gene therapy. It's why I was roped into this mission."

"I beg your pardon," Vala said in mock contrition, "I'd assumed it was based on your expertise."

His exaggerated eye roll circuited everywhere inside the spacious indoor amphitheater except where she sat. "Look, why don't you run along and play Disney princess with Lieutenant Colonel Lemonade over there while the expert determines what purpose this technology serves. Then we can all leave this ice planet and get home in time for honey-baked ham."

"Hold up, McKay," Cam said as he left Daniel's side at the ornate control panel and returned the EMF detector to the astrophysicist. "You won't even be returning to your own regularly scheduled lieutenant colonel until you help me locate the power source for all this."

Rodney clucked disapprovingly over the settings Vala had configured before adjusting them to his liking. "I highly doubt a ZPM's the source."

Vala, who had hopped off the chair and over to where Daniel was focused on the unidentifiable glyphs, whispered, "What's a 'zed'? Is he referring to a different sort of Zero Point Module?"

"He's Canadian," Daniel mumbled, his eyes never leaving the polished white marble console inlaid with iridescent niobium symbols.

"Zed is a man from Canada?" Vala frowned, then pointed to a symbol on the console that vaguely resembled a Z. "Or Rodney's homeland follows a different system of alphabet pronunciation?"

"Don't touch—"

But her fingertip had already brushed the metal glyph, an action which coincided with surprised exclamations behind them from Cam and Rodney. Turning around, they saw the chair where Vala had been sitting glow with a bright green light.

Rodney glanced down at the EMF detector and then at the others as they all said in unison, " _Naquadah_."

After a brief but heated debate settled by the colonel asserting his role as mission commander, Cam and Rodney left the amphitheater to follow the energy signature that had increased with the chair's activation, while Daniel and Vala studied the chair.

"So… anyone care to take a seat?" Vala suggested mischievously as she snapped high-resolution photographs of the activated chair.

"I can cite at least ten reasons — with corresponding mission reports — off the top of my head why that would be a bad idea."

"That didn't stop Dr. McKay's backside from venturing a chance at glory. And if I weren't along to activate it with the _naquadah_ in my system, you'd never know how truly glorious my backside is."

Daniel said, "Dear fanfic author: There is NO WAY I'M GOING TO SIT IN THAT CHAIR. Ever. I mean, come ON. An idiot can see where this is going. An alien device that gives the seated operator a prostate massage through some sort of resonant vibration activated by Vala at the console? Are you kidding me? Never in a million, million years would I repeat the mistake we made on P7J-989 where the Gamekeeper made me relive the horror of my parents' death or PB2-908 where the Ancient device uploaded a database into Jack's head. So excuse me if I'm not going to comply with this stupid 'Aliens Made Them Do It' fanfic cliche." He paused as he noticed Vala's pout of disappointment, then said gently, "Besides, DADT's been repealed, and I really wanna get home to Jack so that we can finally celebrate in public. Preferably at the gayest bar in Washington DC."

**Author's Note:**

> My second attempt at "prostate 'discovery' no anal sex " went perhaps slightly better: [A Remote Location](http://archiveofourown.org/works/144517)


End file.
